AU-Naturale

Words really don’t have meaning. They are lifeless directives awaiting energy to catalyze and activate them. What’s a promise? What’s a word? This is blog is an example of a promise. I said I would blog today, and essentially that sentence didn’t mean anything. The energy that was used to bring life to this blog was one of good faith, and positivity. You are reading a blog because of it. So take a moment and ask yourself: what type of energy surrounds me? What are my intentions when I speak?

Stay positive- stay great- get results!

~Lovingly P
😉

Ketchup for my friend!

Hello cruel world
Wat up big city
Hey there country town
Howdy sweet province!

It’s been soo long since I’ve made a post. I’ve gotten a few emails from my subscribers, asking me” what happened”, etc. so I’m trying to be more diligent with posting again. I told y’all moons ago that I was a flake when it comes to this blogging shit. Lol so much has happened since I last blogged, but I don’t have the time to catch y’all up in all of it, so ill give u the basics.
It’s my birthday weekend!!! I’ll be turning 29. I don’t really have any emotions about it. Life as a “pre- middle-Ager” is different. I had a conversation with some classmates today after a test. One is my age with similar life experiences, the other is 23, fresh out of undergrad. The youngin had such a carefree perspective about life. She hasn’t experienced life, hadn’t had a real job( salaried job), and wasn’t really hearing what me and our other classmate was trying to say about how life changes you, and can change on you abruptly. I hated to be “Downing Danny” , but I couldn’t sit and smell that BS she was smoking. I mean, I can’t fault her. I was similar at that age. Had my first place, had a decent job and a half, luxury vehicle, relationship (with one n the side) don’t judge, and my family was well, at least enough to leave me alone. Life couldn’t have been better at that moment.
I couldn’t imagine that in 5 years from then, I would experience unimaginable hard ache from my love interests, and my family. I couldn’t believe that I would experience death of my grandmother and all of her children except my mother. No I’m serious, I don’t have a living (maternal) aunt nor uncle.. That’s a whole generation thats gone, and I cant share with my children! When you think abut it like that, it’s heart breaking, and yes I realized that I’m still grieving about this. But who really has time to sit and grieve? I’ve left both good jobs to move to a Commonwealth, in which I know absolutely no one, to complete pharmacy school. Granted, this is something that I should’ve completed 5 years ago, but Massachusetts tho?! I mean yes, I was busy putting others before me, instead of “being selfish”.. Or am I? Every day I’m studying, it’s not because I love it. (This school is hard as fuck), and although I love the profession, I absolutely loathe science! I think about the bills I have when I’m going to finish, the people that I know I’m going to have to care for, etc. so am I achieving this dream for my benefit, or am I still being enslaved to others??
I digress.
So- I have to be fair and let lil mama live life for herself, she has to have these experiences. Maybe she’ll never have the abrupt realities I have had, but she could stand to rest her lips for a spell and just take the free life lesson we were providing. 🙂

In good news

My nephew was born last week. My little brother was 2 kids to my ZERO! 🙂 I love his country ass.
I’m in pharmacy school and have bonded with some amazing people. I can definitely foresee us traveling together after graduation, etc.
My bipolar relationship with my dad is in its depressed state. Surprisingly, I’m not even affected by it. My relationship with my Ma is so strong these days. She’s adamant that I succeed, that feels good. It feels good to have someone I your corner, and to have her approval. (What a change from 5 years ago!)

My LM is coming to NYC to hang with me after work. She’s a jewel. It’s amazing how folks are your family and sometimes don’t even realize it.

I got new albums from my two favorite artists This year: Tank and Brandy. *insert fan faint*
I have good health, even tho I can barely get time to hit the gym like I want.
I recently reconnected with my buddy from NC after 3 or 4 years. We have tons to catch up on.
God is still good, as He continues to provide for me daily! *hand wave*

Um I’ve reached the end. Thanks for your attention! And thanks for welcoming into your worlds, every time!

~Lovingly P
PS – no proof reading was done..

Quick Glance

So many things can come from that first, initial, sometimes quick glance of something.. and yes someone. A crush can develop, You can meet the new love of your life. Just think about it for a second. How many of us have bought a car because of that initial first look you had with it. Our first impression truly is lasting (at times). Now- What does one do with that first glance- our bounty of treasure collected from our sight. There are times that we are utterly repulsed b what we see. Is it the ugly face of your neighbor on public transit? Perhaps what you see when glancing at your reflection in the store window, or maybe a view of one’s drug of choice, that causes a wrenching feeling from within? my point: all it takes is a moment of time to provoke change in each of us. We hope this change proves to be positive, but the reality is a negative outcome is possible. Which will it be?

This was just a random thought that came to mind during my commute home- inspired by a glance..

(After a 5 month hiatus…Welcome Back, Parker)

Peace/Piece/Peese

I just need to make a statement of what my expectation is for this season. I have always been granted mental peace. I’ve never been one to have suicidal thoughts, or not be able to have serenity-filled slumber. I’m not having any of these problems now, however I just feel like I see trouble brewing on the horizon.  This is un-exceptable!  

Peace is define below from Mirriam-Webster:

freedom from disturbance; quiet and tranquility : you can while away an hour or two in peace and seclusion.

• mental calm; serenity : the peace of mind this insurance gives you.

2 freedom from or the cessation of war or violence : the Straits were to be open to warships in time of peace.

I’m fighting a battle, that is more mental than physical. I imagine it’s spiritual as well. I’ve fought this battle all my life, i just never knew it. Instead of being a private in this army, its time for me to bask in Colonel status, and lead- not follow. Who’s following me, that I don’t know. Maybe I’m alone, maybe I haven’t been introduced to my partner/sidekick.. I dont know. I do know that if I do find my accomplice, I’ll still fight as if I’m alone- Victory is my only option.

A lot of my friends are dealing with a lot of trials for the new year, primarily with deaths of their loved ones. I cant imagine loving someone for 10 years or more,  to have them die, and leave me with our children to raise.  It breaks my heart to think of it. Despite this, and other challenges, I believe we can make it through. So take this statement and accept it with a whole heart: What ever you think you can do to me, won’t break me, it won’t phase me. I’ll still succeed, even if I have to burn the script to do it!

Lovingly P

PS

Speaking of Sidekick- I have my hands full with a situation that contains 3 (YES 3 child) contenders that I want for 3 very different reasons.  One even makes me feel  a lil intimidated.. (DO WHAT?!) Jesus take this here Wheel, on Today!

Oh and Tyrese new album is actually pretty good. I think I initially tossed the album in the trash because of all that ranting he was doing on Twitter.  Initially i was only listening to it on Spotify, but I did purchase it since he’s Indy- Check it out!

 

New year, New day..

I’ve been missing in action, I admit it. I was in NC planning the funeral of my grandmother. Soooooooo many things have occurred, i cant possibly tell it all- in fact i won’t. I prefer to keep it internal ( aside from my extreme close loved ones) just to keep peace, and drama at a minimum.  Overall, her funeral was a success. Everything was in place, she looked great, there was peace, and everyone felt encouraged. The (my) pastor had an excellent eulogy for her. Although it was challenging to see my Granny pass, it was encouraging (so to speak) to see the relationship she had with a community, and their reactions to see their “Village Mom” go and be with the Lord. I am thankful for how my cousin and I became closer, to carry out the arrangements for our Granny.  It’s amazing to see the kindred spirit of one’s offspring get along so well her fav siblings child.. it kinda brings me to tears ( if i had emotion).  It was great to see/ hear the bragging rites of my mom and my Nan (great-aunt/ sister of my grandmother) throughout this week. They both told me that they are proud of me, happy at the man that i’ve become, and look forward to the accomplishments that I am going to have in the near future. I believe that Im elated about this. Ive always lived life not looking for life approvals from any one. I always know that Im going to disappoint someone, especially once they find out a primary life decision that Ive made. (They always get mad). But it feels good that the women that have reared me, look at their life’s labor and sacrifice and call it good, and have a sense of pride- an unapologetic pride, regarding it. Even if that was the only moment that I’ll EVER hear that four-word angelic prose, it’ll ring in my heart forever, indeed. 

My mom wants me to write a letter to my incarcerated cousin, regarding the death of my Granny. Idk how i feel about that, I don’t wanna. I imagine that’s what my grandmother would do, however, I dont have a desire to live life as she would have. I mean, she’s made tons of mistakes, and I dont wanna continue the legacy of foolish judgement. 

(Wine intermission)

 

**Breaking News** Ive decided that im gonna have a child.. 2 of em. Im so disappointed with how simple my distant family is and looks, with their offspring,  that I need to show these bitches how to have a child, CORRECTLY! There are a few snafu’s with this decisions. Although, I make more than a honest annual living ( for my level), I cant seem to afford to care for myself, much less an entourage. I have to pick out a suitable uterus-bearer to handle this load. Eek, and with that comes with emotional attachments, possible child support cases, (once she realizes im not gonna marry her) and the list goes on and on- and includes a quite relevant fact… (as Quiche peers in judgement) 😉 

I’ll work it out, but I need to have a happy chap like my cousin Risha has. I love her baby girl. She embodies her dad in many ways. 

 

 

Its funny how I dont share the same outlook/relationship with my grandmother as my cousins. They knew my Granny as a strong, community pillar, that was. Although we laugh at the same tales of the antics my Granny pulled, there’s a difference.  It’s hard to believe Ive embodied so much of her in me. From the hell raising, to the underdog-lover, to the peace keeper (when im not throwing shade), to the person encourager.  It almost impossible for me to understand, how she does it. 🙂

 

I had a dream, after the funeral on NYE. My Granny looked at me, while we were cooking in the kitchen. ( a fab one at that). She told me how she too is proud of me, and how she was tough on me because she knew that i’m strong enough to lead my family, and how she expects me too. (girl BOOM)  She went on to say that she wants me to help my cousin with rearing his children. That was a difficult pill to swallow. Im not ever BUYING a minivan. And my SUV selections just dont look cute (nor are eco-friendly) enough to chug myself, a lover, and 4 kids down the road. #nobueno I admit it hurt my heart, when the youngest son ( my fav) was priming me to see why i was going to Chicago with out him.  smh It was the first time all week, i felt emotion in my heart.

 

At any rate, I have to write a letter to my cousin, my Libra, and my other incarcerated cousin. its a new year, and I;ll do my best to establish a sense of family, although that is something that Ive fleed from for years. 

 

Until next time, 

 

 

Lovingly P

 

 

Vacation Preface

I’m excited about my pending vacation from the school house. Our breaks come at a time, where stress reservoirs have crested, and a break from students, peers, and staff is more than needed. Today, I even snapped at my boss/ friend, over the smallest thing, and I was in the wrong. Luckily, she loves me enough to laugh at me and kick me out of her office. Lol
During actions are challenging for me because it leaves me unoccupied. I have time to sit and evaluate myself, see the cracks in the picture of me- and I don’t like that shit. I mean,I am in a good place in life. I’m gainfully employed, I love what’s do( well ya know), and I’m overall happy. But I’m not satisfied! It bothers me that some people are impressed with these minor accomplishments, as if I’m some fuckin model child, when in fact I’m utterly displeased with myself. Perhaps that’s why I work the way do. I need a distraction-productive distraction, to keep me blinded from the truths of life. I don’t see a problem with it. It’s better than drinking, doing drugs, abusing my body sexually, or stealing from others.
I’ve decided to go into training mode n this break. I need to detox my mind/ body so I can think clearly, and find some solace. Granted I’m a believer (of Christ) but… (NEXT SUBJECT)

a

But in this faux Christmas season (bah humbug) I’m gonna solicit the aid of this Buddhist school to learn the art of meditation. I feel a lot of people are feverishly side-eyeing me, but honestly, I don’t know how to sit still. When I used to do yoga, i loved it. I was in harmony with myself, I
was able to concentrate, I felt alive! Since I have this crazy schedule (for now), clearly I don’t know the “steps” to do yoga alone, but I can meditate, right? So no!mim not gonna turn into Tina Turner and start chanting.lol (what a sight!)
I just think it will be beneficial in my journey for clarity, and oneness. You can share your thoughts,if you want.
Either way, I believe I’m on a precipice of a great change in my life, and I can’t afford to lose myself, not now.
Lovingly P
I didn’t proofread, so don’t give me too much fever.

A Spot of Tea

So I’m back at Starbucks again. I was just here at 3:24pm (yes im scheduled to begin work at 3:30). I have no idea what im going thru these days. Perhaps I am an addict, but not with just one addiction, multiple ones. Because I’m the indecisive type, I have to sit and. cycle thru which addiction Parker will have today. *sigh* let us pray.

I’ve gained some subscribers, for some odd reason. Either you just some nosy individuals, or you’re actually amused my rants. Either way, this is my attention space, so welcome. 🙂

I’ve been promising to write on the topic of change, but I haven’t had the opportunity to “saddown” and handle it, but just be on the look-out for it soon. You know I hate structure, or being forced to do something. So whenever the wind blows that direction, I’ll handle it, and it’ll be good.
News#1: I got an interview offer for pharmacy school. It’s my back up school and it’s in Worcester, MA. I’m excited, but the emotion is subdued just because I don’t wanna get disappointed.
But I have found me a place that I wanna live (if I choose them). They have dog walkers available, Starbucks in the building, and faaaaaabulous digs. Lol all I gotta do is buy a suitable vehicle for the move. I don’t mind going to New England, although they are missing my kind (on many levels) there. I’m a train ride to NYC for my shopping getaways, and Serendipity visits, a quick (and cheap) flight to DC to see Quiche (hey girt!) and Libra… I digress.

News#2 I’m going on vacation in 3 days. I’m so ready. My nerves are shot to hell in a hand basket. If only I wasn’t so superficial about my lips, I’d be a chain smoker by now. Sad part, when I return, I have to teach an equally stressful class.. Damn u Rachael ha.

I talked to Libra today. I can admit, whenever that happens something happens on the inside, and I get all fluttery. Lol yeah, fluttery. I admit, I don’t wanna feel that way, but there’s a connection there. Even the most naive can see it. We talked about us having relations with other people. Lol. Yeah, that didn’t go to smoothly. We both were angry- probably bc of territorial thoughts more than the L-bomb, but either way it felt good to get that reaction at that moment.

I just wanted a moment to ramble. There’s no theme, there’s no structure. Just a good old’ fashioned Tea session.

See you later on the real posting 🙂

Lovingly P

Ps: I’m gonna start “‘training twice daily while on vacation. I have 10 lbs to lose before my feet strike DCA. I’ve gotta wow the people’s! lol (this current weight gain is of the devil! )

PSS I refused to proofread this; I told you that I’m going through something.

Just One of them days..

Just one of them days..

Everything has been topsy-turvy for your boy. People wonder why I prefer to stay awake for ungodly hours, or work my fingers to the bone. It’s because of shit like this, when I get good sleep, everything goes wrong! Yes, this is going to be a bitch fit post- deal with it( I’m entitled to it)

After awakening from a delightful, whiskey induced slumber, I learn that I was DQ- ed from a job vacancy because of a BS technicality. I’m not really upset bout it bc I didn’t really want the job, but it’s the principle.. I don’t like selective rule enforcement. (I digress.)

I go to Starbux. I ordered my drink if the hour: a quad grande Vanilla Americano with a cold soy topper. Yummy 🙂 Granted, when I visit suburban Starbux, they are always lacking at some point. Today’s feat- no soy milk! WHAT?! All i could do, is just gasp repeatedly amd say huh ( 3x). Dramatic i know. I mean, thankfully I don’t need soy milk bc Im not lactose intolerant, but it took everything in me not to snap. I needed that fuckin vanilla soy milk to really make my concoction sing, Fucker! Thankfully for them, my fav barista was working, so I dare not snap on my hookup. I may be many things, but stupid ain’t one of ’em!
I just decided to grab a lil bottle of Amaretto to console my disappointment.
This is where LM would give her looks of judgement, and start her rant with “Negroe…”

Fast forward 5 hours, I’ve returned for a refill. Of course, this time they are out of apples. (As you recall, I consume items in phases. I’m in an apple phase- nice, big, juicy Fuji apples to be exact) I felt a hallelujah hand wave on that. *pauses for runout laugh moment*
So aside from that she(Barista {I don’t know her name, yet}) says we have soy milk. So I’m like YAY. I ordered a red velvet whoopie, and of course it’s stale.. ARGH!

I oughtta write a letter to corporate, but I’m convinced it won’t help, plus I don’t have the energy to fight.

I’m just wondering what else is next? I already know I can’t go home and wrap up with my heart’s desire, so I’m okay with that, but I just KNOW that something is gonna go wrong.

Have you dealt with one of these days before?

*cheers to the weekend*

Lovingly P

Btw- if anyone asks, umm I didn’t fill any prescriptions after my Starbux visits… *grinch smile*

Leave me Alone!

So I work a lot. Too much. Sooooo much.

I’m gonna get a work/life balance, one day. Honestly, I’m afraid of that whole idea of Normalcy. To me, it doesn’t exist. Maybe because I’ve lived my life as the “stepchild” for so long that I’m convinced that if things begin to be normal, it will start the Apocalypse, as we know it.

Side bar

If these bitches call my name one MORE TIME!! Aaaaaah!

I’ll finish later..

What is in a word?

Common lure teaches us to “ Be mindful of the words you speak”
Kids sang “Sticks n stones may break my bones, but words will never heart me”

So whats the verdict, whats in a word?

Are words powerful, only when certain people speak them? Do you have to go to training class or to graduate school to be versed in spitting verse? (I liked that)
Do words only matter if the audience harkens t’wards their meaning?

These may be jovial questions/ thoughts that have come to mind, however this is the random thought that this Kettle One cocktail and Miles Davis (in the background) has placed in my mind.

Lets think about it.
People speak to communicate. Words are used to describe good things and bad. Whatever you want to express, there’s a word for it. If not, be like me; make it up- an art known as “Afro-Engineer”-ing it.
Words can make you feel good, angry, disappointed, erotic, excited, and bewildered, blah blah. But this whole idea about words is rather confusing. A word can have a different meaning, or be interpreted differently, based on who speaks it. I personally prefer non-verbal communication. LIKE SERIOUSLY, we can toss the entire English language (and the part of Spanish I know) in the trash and just spend the day “giving face” and grunting to express ourselves. To me, that’s more genuine. There aren’t any fences to hide behind, you only have unadulterated truth. Words give avenues to build invisible bricks for people to build artificial occupations, lives, and untruths. Yea you guessed it, I’m referring to Twitter. When I was younger, working in Long-term care I remember learning about non-verbal communications as a method of assessing patients to see how they really felt. Some of them couldn’t speak because of their pain, maybe they suffered from Alzheimer’s disease and forgot how to speak, etc. but one universal language we all have is body language, the non-verbal. Not just between humans, but between other species as well.

For example: my dear Fiji and I: Oh, the communication that exist between he and I! Every moment of disappointment, anger, happiness, and shade is shown daily, in a matter of seconds. I know what he wants and vice versa. Lol at the jokes my friends have about our relationship.. I digress.

To wrap this up: People say harmful words all the time. Some blame them for why some have attempted suicide (because of lies/taunts); others say words from “important” people have encouraged/ shaped their lives. Maybe the secret to of world peace is to just let God have the ability to speak, and we just concentrate on “face.” I mean after all, He did create the world with a word or two. ☺